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leading my first memorial service
Mar. 1st, 2011 04:56 pmI did my first memorial service a few days ago. I got the call and reached the family by phone; we spoke briefly, and then I met with them for an hour and a half, and on the basis of that conversation I drafted a service. They had already chosen music, and pictures for a slide show, and decided who would be speaking; but I helped them put all the pieces together and provided an introduction and a unifying voice, leading everyone through the service and giving a sort of nonreligious benediction at the end. I also added (with their approval) some more ritual elements, lighting a candle at the beginning and offering a brief period of silence before the slide show.
It was a good one to start with; the family were grieving, of course, but not stunned or traumatized, and the circumstances of death weren't horrific. (I plan to take a "Challenging Memorials" workshop at the CUC annual conference this spring; creating and leading a service for someone who committed suicide, say, or a rape&murder victim, is far more difficult.) But still, I had to be there with them, listen for what they needed, and craft a service that addressed those needs, both spoken and unspoken, and that honored the concrete specificity of who the deceased had been. On the basis of our phone call I brought some readings to our meeting, and on the basis of how conversation was going in person I offered some to them; they really liked and asked me to do a couple, so I definitely felt that I was reading their preferences well!
And at the ceremony I did not cry, and I made sure to speak slowly and clearly.
I'll tell you, the stole felt a lot heavier when I put it on to begin the service than it had when I was trying it on.
One of the funeral home workers complimented me on the service just afterward; she had been listening over the PA in the next room and said she thought it was really well done. She even asked if I knew the family. I couldn't resist telling her it was the first one I had ever done, and she told me that I definitely had a knack for it. I figure she probably hears a lot of them, so her compliment is worth something!
I sent my minister and the other lay chaplains my draft service the day before for any comments they might have, and as well as giving me some advice (which I, er, didn't end up taking, but it went okay anyway), my minister said something really important to me: "In a sense, you, as Shoshanna the person, are stepping out of the way to become the conduit to the sacred for this family." Simultaneously being the guide and the expert, and yet also a conduit rather than a focus, a means rather than an end, is a new way of conceptualizing my role, and I find her phrasing really useful. I will be thinking more about it.
(In writing this up I realize I'm not saying much about the spiritual side of it; but the thing is, the details of that feel very personal to the family, and not like something I should be talking about in public. So I'm not. I did feel that I had been of service, in a way that is important to me, but I don't feel comfortable talking specifically about how.)
It was a good start.
It was a good one to start with; the family were grieving, of course, but not stunned or traumatized, and the circumstances of death weren't horrific. (I plan to take a "Challenging Memorials" workshop at the CUC annual conference this spring; creating and leading a service for someone who committed suicide, say, or a rape&murder victim, is far more difficult.) But still, I had to be there with them, listen for what they needed, and craft a service that addressed those needs, both spoken and unspoken, and that honored the concrete specificity of who the deceased had been. On the basis of our phone call I brought some readings to our meeting, and on the basis of how conversation was going in person I offered some to them; they really liked and asked me to do a couple, so I definitely felt that I was reading their preferences well!
And at the ceremony I did not cry, and I made sure to speak slowly and clearly.
I'll tell you, the stole felt a lot heavier when I put it on to begin the service than it had when I was trying it on.
One of the funeral home workers complimented me on the service just afterward; she had been listening over the PA in the next room and said she thought it was really well done. She even asked if I knew the family. I couldn't resist telling her it was the first one I had ever done, and she told me that I definitely had a knack for it. I figure she probably hears a lot of them, so her compliment is worth something!
I sent my minister and the other lay chaplains my draft service the day before for any comments they might have, and as well as giving me some advice (which I, er, didn't end up taking, but it went okay anyway), my minister said something really important to me: "In a sense, you, as Shoshanna the person, are stepping out of the way to become the conduit to the sacred for this family." Simultaneously being the guide and the expert, and yet also a conduit rather than a focus, a means rather than an end, is a new way of conceptualizing my role, and I find her phrasing really useful. I will be thinking more about it.
(In writing this up I realize I'm not saying much about the spiritual side of it; but the thing is, the details of that feel very personal to the family, and not like something I should be talking about in public. So I'm not. I did feel that I had been of service, in a way that is important to me, but I don't feel comfortable talking specifically about how.)
It was a good start.
